Please, let me fuck your mom
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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