i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dicks are not precious.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
