You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
