We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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