Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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