god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
