i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Randomize
