I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
