you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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