I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
