Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
