Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
