Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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