Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
