I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
did i just pee glitter
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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