life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
