Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize