he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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