Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
