the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
