the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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