I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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