so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
