She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
