I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize