Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
