Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
