Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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