Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
