Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
