he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
