Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
