In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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