Pants 0. Shit 1.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
