The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
