I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
