So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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