Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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