mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
