Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
