You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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