hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
