I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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