Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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