i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
