There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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