Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
