I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize