Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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