My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
