Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
