it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
