I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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