i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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