No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
