I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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