textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
